Joke Thread

[BucNut]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER



10) You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9) He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8) When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7) Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6) Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5) Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".

4) Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3) His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2) When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".

1) You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

[BucNut]

This one's for you BucShot:

Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Zero. Nobody knew they were there.

[RTBP]

Lol

[buc_a_ganny]

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde
says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

[BucNut]

[buc_a_ganny]

Amazing how many jokes about Blondes and none about redheads or burnettes huh Cuz

[buc_a_ganny]

Totally amazing..Thought my comment disappeared..lol

[BucNut]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

Distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in

the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under

Boyfriend 5.0.



In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,

such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed

undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes

the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but

to no avail. What can I do?



Signed, Desperate

-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:



First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.



Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe', try to downloa

d Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that

application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run

the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of

the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy

Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad

program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 It runs a virus in

the background that will eventually seize control of all your system

resources. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0

program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider

buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We

recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck,



Tech Support

[BucNut]

Florida :



The owner of a golf course in Daytona Beach was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Florida and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Florida women.










Louisiana:



A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying.... "When the end

of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.





South Carolina:



The young man from Mississippi came running into the store

and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."





Georgia:



A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"







And My Favorite:



A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the

side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."





You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North

[BucNut]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit,
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
__________________