Joke Thread

[BucNut]

[revtbj]

College Entrance Exam (Football Player Version)

Time Limit: 3 weeks
Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
(check only one)
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) CATHOLIC
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in the United States' far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) NORTHENERS
(check only one)
9. Spelling: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) THE SKY
(check only one)
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
(check only one)
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of North America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) FLORIDA
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
(check only one)
18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
Extra Credit:
Count from 1 to 5 using your fingers.

[TheQ]

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates"..

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and &nb
sp;finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[WCW]

THE SOUTH---YOU GOTTA LOVE IT...

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of
Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus
14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned as one, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others
asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they
inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!'

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage
in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head.' 'Yep,' he
replied.
'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says, 'Fine For Dumpin Garbage.'

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ' When asked why, he replied he'd
rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years
later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'


Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper
asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me
neither.'

And this from South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
anyone wanting to retire to the North.

[WCW]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily
sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her
front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an
exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which
your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish.

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I
were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been
dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and
says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind
and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man
so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever
seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you had me fixed"