Joke Thread

[TheQ]

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to let one. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.

"Holy cow! What's that smell?"

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

[TheQ]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[BucNut]

[TheQ]

The Wal-Mart Cat

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
Which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
To WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO! ?







WALMART is the largest RE-TAILER in the world!!!

[WCW]

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to
beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in
your robe.

4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my butt look big?'

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

[TheQ]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,
but, I knew the Boss would not allow

me to take leave. I thought that maybe

if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me

to take a few days off.


So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling

and made funny noises. My co-worker

(who's blonde) asked me what I was

doing. I told her that I was pretending

to be a light bulb so that the Boss might

think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days

off.


A few minutes later the Boss came into

the office and asked, 'What in the name

of good GOD are you doing?' I told him

I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are

clearly stressed out. Go home and

recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped

down and walked out of the office...



When my co-worker (the blonde) followed


me, the Boss asked her, '...And where do

you think you're going?!'





(You're gonna love this....)







She said, 'I'm going home, too.

I can't work in the dark.'

[fan4ever]

Good one!

[TheQ]

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me that it's not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion:

'If you want your breasts to grow bigger, every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They'll grow larger over a period of several years,' my husband replied.

I stopped. 'Do you really think that rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive ... and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

[WCW]

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but
not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in KENTUCKY.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?

[TheQ]

There was some very good ones on the list.