Joke Thread

[TheQ]

A WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied," but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him … legally."

[TheQ]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax and pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

[TheQ]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

[TheQ]

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[ProwlingPanther]

One day St. Peter is manning his post in Heaven when a man approaches his podium:

"Tell me," asks Peter, "how did you spend your last day on Earth?"

"Well," the man says, "I came home from work early only to find my wife in the middle of an affair. I searched the house over for the man to no avail when I heard a commotion on the balcony. I looked out and there was a man hanging by his fingers off our 25th floor ledge. Well, I was in such a rage that I stomped on his fingers and he fell...but wouldn't you know it he landed on a bush and survived. This just made me more upset, so I looked for the heaviest thing I could find. I was near the kitchen, so I unplugged the refrigerator, and in the uproar of pushing it out the window I suffered a massive heart attack."

Peter is amazed by the man's story, but looking at his life record decides he has earned his way in.

Later on another man approaches Peter's podium. Peter looks up from his book to notice that this man is in fact Donald Trump.

"Welcome to Heaven Mr. Trump. Tell me how your last day on Earth was spent."

"Well, I was working out on my 26th floor balcony when I slipped on a dumbbell and fell. Luckily I managed to grab a hold of someone else's ledge, but this crazy guy stomped on my hands. Miraculously I landed on a bush, but next thing I know I see a refrigerator falling toward me. I tried to get away, but the darn thing crushed me."

Peter tries to hold back his laugh as he motions for Donald to enter the kingdom and goes back to his book. It wouldn't be long before another man approached. As Peter looks up he is shocked to see none other than Bill Clinton.

Peter is very concerned..."Mr. Clinton what happened? Was there an assassination? Is there a war on Earth?"

Bill shakes his head and smiles, "well there I was naked in a refrigerator."

[TheQ]

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[BucNut]

The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up,
and yells at me for staying out so late.



His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the

toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then
jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say! WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts
like she's sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!

[NR4]

Goodun.

[NR4]

Cave etiquette

To: Cavemates
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, November 29, 2001 8:17 AM
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours in this conflict but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and the new guy Richard.

Love you lots.
Osama B.

[NR4]

Three nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.... "No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.