Joke Thread

[TAZZ]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the backof the class wassquirming around,
scratching his crotch,
and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed .

He whispers that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principals office,and phone his mother and ask her what he should do .

After talking to his Mom, he returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
Teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!
I did,
And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

[TAZZ]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone
__________________

[TAZZ]

Tazz found this on another site

The Washcloth



Sue was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to tell her she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to DR office took about 35 minutes.



Sue likes to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
Sue rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure It was at least presentable.
Sue threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.



She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when her name was called .
Sue hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
Doctor said,
"My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

Sue did not respond.
The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when her 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,
"Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

Sue told her to get another one from the cupboard.




Daughter
"No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Sue never went back to that doctor.

[Sprint]

What do a moped and a woman have in common?


They are both alot of fun until your friends see you on one

[buc_a_ganny]

Why Women Are Crabby



We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.


Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.


Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.


Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.



Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.


Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.


After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.



Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?



When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.


So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.


Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...


So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[buc_a_ganny]

Driving With Dad


A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
to be with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel
up to it.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she
would take their daughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.

'Well,' the father asked, 'Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?'

'Oh yes, Daddy' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
Single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!'


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

[Pantherkiwi]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:






'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'