Joke Thread

[Sprint]

New Study on Women's Cycles



A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds
attractive on a man can differ depending on where she
is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to
men with rugged and masculine features. However, if
she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be
more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[buc_a_ganny]

Pregnant blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running
up to me in the drive way just jumping for joy! I didn't
know why she was jumping for joy but I
thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping
up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great.
Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and,
breathing heavily from allthe jumping up and down,
told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her,
"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said,
"There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said,
"Well, we are not having just one baby.
We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed
at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew. She said....


(You're going to love this!)


"Well, that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and they actually
had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both
tests came out positive!"
-----------

[buc_a_ganny]

Got to have a Blonde joke

[buc_a_ganny]

Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who
helped me with chores around the house.

One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms.
We thought it would take about an hour, but the task turned
into an all-day job.

"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.

"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just
think of me as the son you never had."
---------------
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in
pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung
by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put
some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on
which part of your body did that bee sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me
on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"
---

[BucNut]

A woman went to the doctor's office, where a young, new doctor saw her.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she
was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she
told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor
was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years
old; she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[buc_a_ganny]

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
Sh e proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy. It's W."

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware !"

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"

[TheQ]

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately:
- Illegal immigration
- Hurricane recovery for New Orleans
- Alligators attacking people in Florida



Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems.
It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.


Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ?


The above was from a great Maxine cartonish thingy.

[BucNut]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[BucNut]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other' s likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife' s arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

[Pantherkiwi]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like....

1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ..... . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .... . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright..

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.